Wow-it’s been a LONG time since I last posted in this lil’ ‘ol blog! Probably about a year and a half! Wowza. I started reading through some of my old posts and I cannot believe how far I have come. I can honestly say that I’m a different person (both mentally AND physically). I genuinely thought that I could recover without gaining the weight-but that was just not the case.
I have no one to credit except for God Himself. The last time I posted in here was December 2012-and funnily enough it was about the hope I had for the future. I was so excited to be learning more about Him and was finally starting to realize what He wanted for me. I never really prayed much because I felt that God already knew what I needed. To be honest, I was actually afraid to ask Him to help me recover; I did not want to give up control! I basically wanted him to make me not have an eating disorder (so I wouldn’t have to deal with any issues head-on), but I still wanted complete control. Around this time I just so happened to run into an awesome guy (my Peep as I like to call him) that I had actually met 5 and a half years prior.
Back story-I actually met Peep my very first day of classes at Penn State. I was a baby freshman just trying to navigate my way around campus and not get lost! My first class was in The Forum, a 400 person lecture hall, where I was completely overwhelmed. I found the first seat in the back row, trying my best to blend in and hoping that I would be able to get up once the class was over since my legs were sweaty and sticking to the seat (it was hot)! As the professor began introducing himself, he made sure to tell us that he would not be giving us notes if we missed a class; therefore, we better make a friend. At that time people were looking around to exchange numbers with someone in case they
skipped were sick and missed a class. I looked to my right and there was one good looking man (it was Peep) looking at me with his big blue eyes. We decided to exchange numbers and saw that we had the same area code-we then realized we were only about 30 minutes apart from each other! Anyways-the class and professor were extremely intimidating and after class I called my older brother Steve, who recently graduated from PSU, and asked him if there would be an easier science class that I could take. He advised me to drop it, so I did! No more class with Peep-and I swear I never saw him again at school, but he claims that he saw me at a party once (maybe I had too much to drink-but it was probably him that had too much to drink, let’s be honest). He was a few years older than I, so anyways he was long gone for awhile. Fast forward 5 and a half years and there is Peep-standing at Annie Baileys looking mighty fine with some of his friends. I quickly whispered to my best friend Speeze, “Hey! Do you see that hot guy over there? I went to college with him! I wonder if he remembers who I am.” Speeze says, “Go talk to him.” Obviously I said no because I was too nervous. Well, lo and behold I wound up running into him (probably liquid courage). He swept me off my feet by buying me a tequila shot-what a keeper (I guess it worked since we are still together). We talked and found out we went to the same church and decided that we would meet up and go to a 20 somethings group together the next week.
That next week I nervously met him there. I was nervous and excited to see him, but also nervous because I was nervous about how the group would go. It got quite personal I must say, HOPE/FAITH being the topic at hand. Welp, I don’t know what got into me, but I wound up telling my group (people who I had never met before except Peep) about my eating disorder. I thought to myself, “well, if he doesn’t like me after I tell him this, then he probably isn’t for me!” As we walked out to our cars to go home, he asked me out for dinner, so I’m guessing he still liked me! The rest is history!
Back to the topic at hand! During that time (November 2012) I was trying to hide the severity of my eating disorder, downplaying that it was a problem at all. I was still doing the same thing I had always done, over exercised, under ate, and the best of all-hiding that anything was wrong from anyone. I can’t even remember when things really started to change, so it must have been gradual, but I have so much more to fill you in on!
This post is getting way too long, so I’ll be back (terminator voice).