What Was I Afraid Of?

For a long time I was afraid of going back to Hershey for support group because I was ashamed. I wanted to be the one who had it all together. The one who was doing GREAT! I didn’t want anyone to see what was really going on.  (Which is basically what I am continually working on, since I never want anyone to think I am anything but happy…which don’t get me wrong I am doing SOOO much better!!!! But, I can hide things with a smile, tend to say ‘yes,’ when I really mean ‘no,’ and constantly struggle with feeling inadequate, undeserving, and negative self talk). I didn’t want my friends at Hershey, who I love and look to for inspiration to know I was struggling at all.  Especially because I look like I’m doing just fine. (Yeah, all the distorted thoughts are still there) But that’s the thing- these girls are the ones who would understand better than anyone. They are the best ones for me. They are the ones who can help me through this, because they know EXACTLY how I feel. I’ve been silly for not going to group to see them, because I’ve been missing out on the best support I could ever ask for. (Thank you so much Rachel and Jennie Ann<3)

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I just wanted to share some motivation juice. Sunday night I came to a realization that I shared with the group yesterday. I know it seems odd that it has taken me this long to really come to this realization BUT HEY…at least I’ve figured it out. I have to choose recovery. Only I can get myself out of this. Yes I can have people support me, but no one can save me from this. Just like Rachel said, “Nothing is going to change unless I make it; choose it; do it. For so long, I wanted something to change and for me to wake up and it be different, but that isn’t how it works. I have to make the change I want to see.” That’s the same for anyone who wants to see something change in their life!

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Jennie Ann used an awesome analogy last night. Being in this self-destructive disorder is like being stuck down in a burning basement.

The only way out of the burning basement is to climb up a metal ladder. This metal ladder leads to a life full of love, pure joy, being able to truly feel feelings, acceptance, health, dreams, happiness and so much more. However, the ladder is metal so it’s obviously extremely hot. So, I’ve got two choices, stay down in the fire of the eating disorder (torture), or climb the ladder that is hot as hell that burns each time I grab on that leads to freedom.

The part that hurts is when I try and climb that ladder (recovery). It KILLS…I can see how much better the top is but it seems SO FAR AWAY and it’s much easier to just let go and fall back down into the flames. But then, once I’m in the flames again, I realize that’s miserable too…so I try and climb up again. Once again, the pain begins (recovery) and I want to give up. Sometimes I just lose sight of what I want because of the temporary pain. What I want is someone, anyone, to reach down and pick me up out of the flames. But I have finally realized is no one can do that for me. I have to climb the ladder by myself and only focus on what is at the top of the ladder.

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I can still have people standing at the top of the ladder supporting me (my doctor, therapist, dietician, parents, family, friends) but they can’t jump down and get me out. As much as they want to, all they can do is encourage me not to give up.

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I can only save myself from the burning basement. I’m still not sure how to climb the ladder, but I’m going to try my hardest to keep myself from falling back into the flames. IMMA DO IT!!!!

I encourage you to make the change you want to see happen in your life too..whatever it may be..because you deserve to have life in abundance. (Check out John 10:10) 🙂

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