The Troof

Wus hap’nin, wus up (said in a T.I. voice, ofcourse)? I gotta say, I’ve been slacking in the blog department. I was doing well with posting consistently, then things started going downhill and I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. 🙂 Sure I shared some of my struggles with you, but I tend to hide the majority of them (just ask my parents or Speeze). So I sensor some things, who doesnt?!…in fear of people judging me and thinking I’m cray. I mean, I know I’m a weirdo, but I really need to not care so much about what other people think of me.













What I do want to talk about today is something that is a rather sensitive subject (at least for me). I have written about some of my sadness before, but I felt it was important to mention there is more to it than you know. If this is your first time reading, I’ll give you a quick rundown if you don’t already know I have an eating disorder (ED) that I have struggled with for over 3 years. About a year ago, I went into a partial hospitalization treatment program for 6 months, and have since then gained a bunch of weight and now I’m having an extremely hard time accepting myself.

She is precious.












What some people don’t realize about eating disorders is that in some cases the ED is a secondary symptom to an underlying psychological disorder, while in other cases the psychological disorder can be secondary to the ED. For me, I think the depression came first, and the eating disorder came soon after. Being depressed, feeling hopeless, worthless and not good enough had me searching for something/anything to help me deal those feelings.

Random grape without the skin on it. Thanks Speeze. Nice nails btw…













I think it makes perfect sense that depression can lead to an eating disorder and vice versa. Feeling as though you are worthless has you continually searching for something to make you feel better, happy, worth something. The thought constantly ran/runs through my head that if I lose weight, I won’t feel this way anymore. But what happens is no matter how much weight you lose, it’s never good enough, YOU are never good enough. Living that way, in constant hatred towards yourself, is extremely difficult.

The past few months have been some of the most difficult of my life. I don’t want to get all dramatic, but I just want to be completely honest for once. I have good times and bad times, but the bad times have come often, causing me to isolate myself once again and have some serious detrimental thoughts. Part of this is due to the fact that I stopped taking my antidepressants (cold turkey…not such a smart idea).

Part of my hopelessness is that this ED will never go away, The medication didn’t make it go away. I’m scared I will never be able to accept myself and just be okay with who I am. It is seriously an overwhelming fear that I will be struggling for the rest of my life. I have gained the weight and hate the fact that I feel like I keep gaining. But, I eat real food now and try new things and work to get away from the ED, yet I still hold onto it and don’t want to let it go.

Why am I writing all this now…because I’m realizing I just can’t do this on my own (without treatment). I stopped seeing my therapist, dietician, doctor, and psychiatrist (yes I was seeing all of them hah…I’m crazy I guess). I thought I could do this on my own, and I’m seeing that I can’t. I need to stop lying to myself and thinking I will be happier if I just stay where I’m at. So, I’m going back to see my therapist (who is a gem). I’ll see about the dietician and doctor once I talk with her. And I’m trying hard to be more open with my family and friends…which is difficult.

Daddy’s girl












I guess I’m also sharing this because there are so many people out there who are afraid to admit they struggle with depression or anxiety or any other mental illness.  Depression is similar to eating disorders in that it is not fully understood and you just can’t know the extent of how it makes you feel unless you experience it yourself. From the outside looking in, you just wonder why someone can’t just be happy, when in reality they are suffering with the tremendous sadness that depression brings. It’s sad that depression and other mental illnesses can be such a taboo topic and come full of stereotypes.  I consider myself a ‘normal’ 23 year old, and I’m not afraid to admit that I have a ‘mental illness.’ Take it or leave it! Hopefully I’ll still have some friends after writing this post… 😉  Catch ya later. Thanks for reading (to my few followers)


9 thoughts on “The Troof

  1. Hi Honey! I’m so happy to see you writing again, but so sorry you’ve been having such a big struggle lately…it’s a good thing you are going back to getting all the support you had in the beginning! Try not to go it alone! Those people are there to help, guide and support YOU, so just let them do their job ok? I can def relate to what you are saying about depression, because I’ve been there several times. It runs in our family, in case no one has told you this yet, so you are NOT the only one!! I agree, it makes perfect sense that depression can lead to Ed and vice versa. You may have to try several different anti-depressants until you find the one that works for you. Sometimes it is a long process, but so worth when you find THE ONE! When I finally found the ONE, I kept hearing this song in my head, “I Can See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash. Look it up on Youtube :)) That’s how good I felt! I even had them play it at our wedding (you were there, but you prob wouldn’t remember the music, you were very young in 1996) Anyway, if you need to talk, please look me up and private message me anytime!! I’m still SO PROUD of you, that you are doing all of this emotional work on yourself!! I know it is NOT easy…. Love you!! – Aunt Barrie

  2. you are totally right val, alot of people deal with depression and rest assured that i dont think anyone will hold it against you for being honest 🙂 i really hope that things get a little easier for you on your journey and though we havent seen/talked to eachother since highschool i am always hear to listen. to be honest i deal with depression too, been dealing with it for many years, no fun 😦 even though i have family that i love dearly and vice versa it is a constant struggle to keep up with. just remember you are not alone and keep your head up and dont be afraid to talk it out with someone or ask for help 🙂

  3. So proud of u val to keep plugging away! One day at a time. I sure do miss u. I am glad u are going back to ur treatment team . U are a beautiful person. Xoxo

  4. hey sweetie, its kylie. i am so proud of you for finally writing again but i feel bad that your stuggling. i dont know exactly how you feel, but i kinda did the some of the same stuff, like stopped seeing doctors etc, stopped taking meds, and stuggling alot. i just want to know that you can always be honest, never hide your true feeling. i dont think anyone will look down on you for it, and if they do they dont deserve as a friend. i love you sooooooooo much honey and i am always here for you when you need me. seriously we can talk about anything, it wont bother me. i really hope i can see you when im up in september.i miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just remember you are a strong woman and no one can bring you down

  5. There is nothing anyone that can say that can cure depression or an eating disorder. I’ve been following your story on your blog for quite some time and I was wondering if you were trying to live up to that bubbly girl everyone thinks you are and trying to seem like everything was at least OK, if not great. It sounds like you are perhaps starting to realize you are who you are and your struggles do not belong to anyone else, nor does your happiness. Depression can be organic or learned or a hundred combinations of those in differing degrees. I admire you for taking the steps toward who you really are. Actually, not many people accomplish that in their lives. Tom and I love you like a daughter and we would love you to stop in and chat any time. Susan (Go Steelers)

  6. I know how you feel. You will go through different stages as you journey through recovery, and some will be better than others. Unfortunately, I have been through the stage you’re in, and heck yes, it’s awful. I gained the weight, and thought I didn’t need anymore help, but the truth was that I needed help then more than ever. I have also suffered with depression since the onset of my ED, and it has been such a struggle for me. I have tried every med in the book, and I’ve gone cold turkey myself…thinking I didn’t need them. Like you said, big mistake. I just want you to know that I get it…I understand. Really, I do. So, hook back up with your support team, and do what you need to do to get back onto the right track. It WILL be worth it, trust me. Remember, you don’t want to go back to where you were before. Life is better without ED. You can do this, girl! I’m here for you if you ever need anything! Love you!

  7. proud of you, val. you’re a strong girl and i know you can work through this. your blogs are inspiring and i appreciate you writing them.
    much love.

  8. I haven’t read a lot of your posts but when I do I can really relate to them. My depression and mental and psychological issues definitely came before my drug problem. If it wasn’t drugs it would have been something else, anything else to block out how I really felt. And it terrifies me too at times thinking if I’m really not going to be able to do this. I’m going to be a mother and I am still struggling with my recovery so bad. I give a lot of props to you, val. I don’t ever have to touch a drug again, but you do have to eat again to live. The struggles are different but both so hard and I’m glad to see you have hope and god, lots of it in your life.(but definitely; going off meds cold turkey never helps. or cutting off your resources of help in your recovery, never ended well for me) so go back haha.

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