I’m backkkk. (For some reason as I was writing that I said it in a creepy voice)….my brother will know exactly what facial expression I made while saying it too. It’s seriously creepy looking. Anyhow, long time no blog! At first I felt somewhat guilty for not blogging, but I told myself when I started this that I would only blog when I want to. So, I took a mini break! Now I’m ready to get back into the swing of things. Mainly because writing has helped me in the past when it comes to understanding my feelings and I have been pushing those stupid feelings away lately.
I’ve reached a part of my ‘recovery’ process that has been extraordinarily difficult for me to handle. From the outside looking in, I seem to be “okay” and “healthy” but in reality, it’s far from the truth. The only people who know my real feelings now are my parents (and Speeze…since she is my BFF and all), because I live with them and they see me every day.
From the outside looking in, I’m loving life, don’t have a worry in the world, and I’m happy with my new body. While that is partially true (lezzzzz be honest, I’m not happy with the body part), there is so much more going on inside that needs to be looked at. I’m reallyyyyyy good at covering up my feelings, keeping them inside and not letting people know how I really feel. Hey, we all have things we need to work on, right?!
This is where I struggle the most. From the outside looking in, I am at a healthy weight again. Now that I have gained more than 20 lbs (I don’t really know exactly how much because I haven’t weighed myself, but I feel like that is how much), my old clothes are fitting again, and my skinny/sick articles of clothing are tight and uncomfortable because of the fat all over my body. The ugly veins that were all over my body are gone, the disgusting layer of hair that covered parts of my body to keep me warm when I was too thin is gone, there are no longer bones showing in places that they shouldn’t be showing, and a random person would no longer take a double take when they look at me to check out the gross looking thin person. I am getting soft again, losing the muscle I once had when I was a workout nut, because I am only running and only running about 3 miles when I do run.
From the outside looking in, my weight restoration is the sign which indicates I am recovered, 100% better, just happy as a clam, because obviously you can only have an eating disorder if you are thin right??? UM, WRONG. That is quite possibly THE most annoying misconception of this illness. When I was too thin, it was accepted that I was struggling with anorexia. But now, people are confused if they hear it and just don’t understand how someone who looks normal could struggle with an ED.
There have been plenty of times recently where I have been in a bathing suit, tight clothing etc, and I see my reflection or pictures of myself and it is NOT GOOD. The new rolls that are on me, the parts of my back that go over the top of my shorts that used to fit me well (maybe even were big) just a few months ago, and none of my bras fit me! (Most girls would be happy about that lolz) I look at myself and can’t even recognize what I see, the body I am in now cannot be mine!!! Can it?
From the outside looking in, I am eating with everyone, a.o.kay with food now, food which I have gained weight by eating, and shouldn’t care anyways because I need to eat all food groups in order to be healthy and live. I will say that I have enjoyed a lot of DELISH food (which I wind up feeling ashamed and guilty of eating and want to kill myself after because I reach a point beyond fullness and then feel like a pig all over again!)
I am so thankful for my amazing friends and loving family, and the support I receive from everyone I spend time with. They offer their help whenever they can. They all do ANYTHING for me, anything to make me feel more comfortable and happy, and I am so blessed by the love I get from them. But yet, with all of that, I am still unhappy, and the amount of guilt and shame I feel as a result is honestly too hard to bare.
How dare I be anything but happy, joyful and recovered, with all that I have going for me, with all the support and love I get from family and friends, the compliments, reassurances, etc. HOW CAN I STILLLLL BE UPSET?
I apologize for straight up negativity in this jaunt, but it’s time I admit this to myself. I am so freakin uncomfortable in my own body right now, and yet I look completely fine. It is hard to deal with, especially because I feel like my weight just keeps going up. From the outside looking in, I no longer look sick, and therefore I am not. Not to the outside anyways. God, I wish this were the truth.
Hm…I just said God…I wish this were the truth. I think I just realized what is missing in this equation…..GOD.
I thought I could do this on my own, and continue with the good work I did a few months ago at Hershey. While physically I am doing what I need (well, half-assed considering I am skipping meals again), but reluctantly gaining weight, mentally I need to catch the eff up before I completely quit this whole recovery process and go back to where I was. As much as I know that being thin and sick will not bring me happiness, I continue to want to go back there. It’s ridiculous. Thankfully the recovered part of my brain is able to know this is ridic, but the ED part is so loud that it makes me just want to stop it.
Not only do I need to start reconnecting with my treatment team, I need to start trusting and relying on God. Welp, I better get on that! Lots to work on up in heeee-ya. If you read this whole post, HOLY SHNIKIES!! Hopefully you were entertained by some of the adorable pics of my niece. Catch ya later doodz.