I’ve got so many questions stirring in me! I wish I could answer them…so I am going to try. Why am I so afraid of the dark but I run away from the light? (i.e. afraid of my ED and what it has taken from me in the past, and afraid of recovery because I will no longer have that comfort and control in my life that ED brings me) I’m wondering why the truth in all of this isn’t easy to find. I want to know all the answers but I’m learning that these things take time.
I spend so much time chasing what’s behind hoping to find every answer in life. It’s like there are so many questions and not enough time. We all want to understand why we are the way we are but these things take time.
Why do I break the promises I make? Am I just living for myself? I need to not give up and throw everything I’ve worked so hard for away. When did it become so freakin easy to run away from pain and hurt? Life is too short and you only get one turn.
We’re not indestructible, things can change in an instant, and we have to live today. Every breath given to me is a gift I want to use. Time goes by too quickly to be anxious and worried about the future or upset about the past. Grasping this takes time.
We don’t get to be who we are overnight. It takes a lifetime of experiences, struggles, friendships, hardships etc. to be molded into who we are. We all have problems that we are dealing with or have dealt with that shape us. If I could just truly be myself, enjoy life and accept myself completely then I could get to a place where I allow God to lead me. If I want God’s help I need to surrender myself to him. Only God can bring us to be all we can be, it has nothing to do with me!
Right now I feel like I’m all in, but when it comes down to it, its like I’m half in. Like when you’re testing the water with your toe to see how it feels? The water (recovery & God in this sense) causes a great deal of tension in my life! Sometimes it’s good, sometimes I want to just say screw it I don’t feel like it. So since it’s uncomfortable Ill just stick my feet in the water (easy enough, right?). Um, no. I need to jump totally in, head submerged and all! I need to go all the way. It’s like I’m stuck in the middle somewhere and I know I don’t want to go back to what I came out of but I’m not quite sure if I can hang out here until I go in all the way. It’s like I’m mediocre, and to be honest it’s distasteful to God when we are only in it halfway.
What needs to happen is I have to surrender so I can get closer to God and complete recovery. Each time I obey God, my relationship with him will not only become stronger, but I will be able to fight this ED with more strength. I know God wants to help me but I’m rejecting his help. Rather than avoid his help, I need to accept it, change my thoughts, and be enthusiastic about it! I want to experience the promises of God in my life, and the only way to do that is to go all in with God. Anyone want to JUMP in with me!?
So what is it that’s keeping me from going all in? Oh I know, once it gets uncomfortable, inconvenient, costly, etc. I shy away from God and recovery. It may get lonely, it may be hard, so rather than facing it, I sprint back in the other direction. Right now I’m sitting here settling for halfway. I’m considering giving up. I’m tired of all this. But, God never said there wouldn’t be suffering. I can’t give up just because it hurts.
I finally understand that the only way through this is with God. Rather than focusing on how much I can’t do this alone, I need to focus on how I can get through this with Him.
I’ll give Him all my life and let it go. I’ll give him everything, every beat of my heart, the breath in my lungs and surrender. He can take my heart and tell the world of who He is so everyone has the opportunity to know Him. Maybe He isn’t changing my situation because He is trying to change my heart.
Do you feel like there is something in your life where you need to make that decision to go all in? YUP. When it comes to recovery and my relationship with God. No more of this halfway ish.