Time to get back into the swing of things around this jaunt. Yesterday after we last talked I decided to go for a long walk to meet up with Speeze and get our chat on. She is truly such a great friend. We walked and talked for a while (it was gorgeous outside) and then decided to go grab a beer! We had a fun little date together. I wish I remembered to take more pictures yesterday, but I forgot so that means I’ll just write about the tormenting thoughts that are going on in my head instead.
After finally being able to put it all out there and vent yesterday, I started to feel a little better. I have been keeping these feelings inside and afraid to tell people I’m still struggling. I hate admitting that I need help and that things aren’t all peachy keen. It’s just me being too hard on myself and expecting to get better NOW. It’s much easier said than done. Gaining weight is both mentally and physically challenging! Despite me being much healthier in countless ways, the need to gain weight, (and the fact that I continue to) is NOT fun. To be quite frank (cue a laugh from Speeze) I thought that through some weight restoration, the negative and corrupt thoughts would begin to go away.
Ironically enough, I have noticed the direct correlation between losing weight and losing myself. But, after gaining a good 10 lbs (I refuse to weigh myself anymore…whole other post on that topic) since October, the thoughts and mental battles are still there. Why cant the mental side come as quickly as the physical side of things? Why is it that after gaining I am still having trouble figuring out who I am and accepting myself? I trusted my doctors when they told me that gaining weight was the first step and will help in every other aspect of recovery.
My biggest fear when starting recovery (and was told I needed to gain a minimum of 15 lbs) was that I would become even more miserable than I already was. I knew that I was extremely sick with an eating disorder and I wanted to get rid of the disturbing thoughts, but still I thought that gaining weight would make everything WORSE. I wanted to find a way to recover without gaining weight, but as I was told by every doctor, that was impossible. Weight restoration is the NUMBER ONE aspect of freeing yourself from such a mentally draining disease.
As the months have past, I have begun to eat more
ice creams (of what I had been depriving my body of for such a long time) like fats, protein, starch. Every day I expected to wake up 25 lbs heavier, and that thought is still with me. No I haven’t put on 20 lbs, but I did gain weight pretty quickly. When your body is deprived for so long, once you begin to eat again it will hold onto every little morsel due to the fear of restriction again. My body had been in survival mode for so long that my metabolism was pretty much non-existent. I knew my body was trying to get back to a healthy weight, but in my mind, my worst fear was coming true-I’m gaining weight so fast at an uncontrollably alarming rate!! I must resort back to my old routine to lose it all again!!
These thoughts are still with me. It takes a LOT of convincing from my doctors, dietician, support group, family, and friends to remind me that I am not putting on pounds and pounds of fat. But, to me, all I see is an increasing weight that I can no longer control. But to be honest, I physically feel better (when I run, and just in general I have more energy). I remember when I hit the 5 lb mark (I thought the world was coming to an end) and the ED part of me was PISSED!!!! Ed was constantly telling me I was huge, ugly, and disgusting just like the way I used to be. But, the rational side of me tries to tell myself that I no longer look like a little boy, I now have some shape to my body (donk and boobs), my hair is thicker, my nails are stronger etc. etc.
So I just wanted to clarify a few questions you may be asking.
Has this been uncomfortable? EFF Yeah it has!!
Have I wanted to resort back to my old ways? Ummmmm DUH.
Are there times when I feel fat and think the weight I’ve gained is absolutely unnecessary? ALL THE TIME.
Do I regret this journey of recovery and surrendering myself to my treatment team (giving up all control)? NO!!!
When I look back on where I was before I began treatment…I remember that girl. She was alone, miserable, hopeless, hungry, upset, tired, weak, afraid, and dying inside. This is how I know the recovery process is worth it. As much as I may hate it, and want to give up, I know deep down I never, EVER, want to live that way again.
I don’t know what that ideal weight is for me, but I am going to continue to try my best to eat normally, exercise moderately (not to burn calories, but because I love it) and work to get to my happy weight and be able to accept it (probably the most challenging part). I have come SOO far and plan to continue this uphill battle.
Sorry for minimal pics…I’ll have some more tomorrow! I’ll leave you with my sad face from when we were leaving Florida (I look tan!!)
And a smile because smiles are better than sad faces.
Off to my doc appointment and interview this afternoon! Check ya later gators.