Gahh I’ve been avoiding this. Avoiding this blog post, avoiding conflict, avoiding my feelings, and avoiding recovery. In all honesty, I’ve been super busy recently with job stuff. Which is great (yay for finally finding a job and continuing to have more interviews/options!) but that means focusing on recovery has fallen to the way side.
Don’t get me wrong, some days I’ll follow my meal plan (and occasionally eat more!!) but then other days I want to compensate for eating too much (in my mind) and just head on back towards restriction road. It’s seriously hit or miss whether it will be a good day or not. I just want to be consistent! Most of the time, the easiest option for me to stop is to just quit. Quit trying. Quit recovery all together. Oh, what a great idea Val! Just forget all the hard work you have put in over the past 8 months. But truthfully, I think why bother? WHY bother working so hard at this all the time when I could easily just say ‘screw it’ and go back to where I started. Why bother dealing with these feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy? Why bother seeing my doctors, dietician, support group etc. when I don’t want to hear what they have to say? Why bother writing this blog to help me articulate my true emotions? Why bother learning to express my struggles when I can easily just hold them inside and use ED as my comforter, supporter and healer? Be prepared for a long, wordy, all over the place post. I kind of just need to vent.
To be straightforward, I’m lost. Lately I’ve been getting so frustrated with myself and just think there’s no use. I’ve tried so hard (for months) to accept myself, discover who I am, love myself just as God made me, and endure the fact that I am my own person and not an extension of somebody else. I’ve tried so hard to believe I deserve love and happiness and health. But, I don’t. So what is it then? Do I not want people to love me? Of course not! Do I not want to happy? Um, yeah right! I love laughing, making people laugh and being happy. Is it that I don’t want to be healthy? Maybe. I just feel like I don’t deserve any of these things.
How do I change this way of thinking? How do I begin to care about what I am doing to my body? Right now, I really don’t care if I hurt my body. If it is going to distract me from dealing with the past then it’s worth it. Maybe, just maybe, I want to give up. Wait, what!??? HOLY SHNIKIES. I actually just wrote that. I’m not going to put up a front anymore. I am going to say exactly what has been going through my mind lately. I hate this. I hate recovery. I hate gaining weight. I hate eating. I hate dealing with my emotions. I hate feeling worthless. And I HATE keeping this all to myself. IT’S FREAKIN HARD. It’s quite tempting to just go back to my old ways, lose the weight I’ve worked hard to gain and be
thin happy again.
Then, I remember that even when I was at a much lower weight, I still wasn’t happy with myself. I still felt the same way and didn’t know how to convey my feelings. The difference was then I was alone (because I continuously pushed everyone away). I still wasn’t good enough, deserving, adequate etc. Nothing was ever or could ever be good enough for my ED. I know deep down that as persuasive as those negative thoughts can be, logically I can remember just how miserable I was. This is the problem though. Logically I KNOW that not eating will not make me happy and take away all my problems. It just pushes my problems to the side, damages relationships, causes more feelings of insecurity, and takes away any kind of feelings and emotions all together.
I don’t even know why I’m back here considering going back to this again!! Because ED is that annoying salesman that never. goes. away. Why am I allowing myself to lose who I am and what I BELIEVE? The constant destructive and discouraging thoughts are winning. I am losing faith, in myself, and in God. I know that all things are possible with God, but somehow, there’s this competing voice in my head saying ‘WHY BOTHER?’ I’m living in this tension between these two voices. I truly BELIEVE that if God is with me, and God is for me, nothing can stand against me. I know Jesus’ promise of forgiveness and love is greater than anything else. So why can’t I accept it and believe that I am deserving. There’s something compelling about this forgiveness that I dream of having. But, due to my past and mistakes, I still think to myself, ‘why bother even asking him?’
Well, I’ll tell you why I bother. Because I know and believe in my heart Jesus can bring life out of death. It is a fact that I am struggling, but what is true is Jesus can free us from anything that enslaves us. I don’t need to be afraid. I just need to have faith. I need to ‘let go and let god.’ Sounds easy, but it’s not. It just sounds crazy to me to let go of this thing (ED) in my life that underneath the surface I greatly need and value. I stay away from praying big prayers from God because I’m truly scared to let my ED go. But, I know that ED is NOT the answer. ED is not enough. I’m still searching for something MORE. Something GOOD that has an even greater value. I know that in order to truly recover from this, I HAVE to let go. In order for God to even come close to helping me and answer my prayers, I have to say GOODBYE ED. Right now God is asking me if I trust Him more than my ED. Do I hope in Him more than my ED? Do I love Him more than my ED? Do I love Christ more than that?
It’s my time to ask God, BOLDLY, to help me get rid of this. I don’t need to be afraid to ask and pray for help to let GO. What I need to realize, believe and know is that if He doesn’t answer right away (on my timeline), it’s okay, because God is still going to be there for me. And, If he doesn’t answer my prayers, all that means is that God has something so much bigger, and better for me than anything I could ever imagine. So, if I don’t get better on my timeline, it certainly won’t be because I didn’t ask him for it.
What are you going after? What dreams has God put on your heart?
Are you praying big prayers…prayers so big that the only person who could get credit could be God?
What are you hopes and dreams?
Are you living adventurously in this life with a strong faith in God?