What kind of story would you tell? Would people want to watch your movie? At some point in all our movies we will feel beat down, sold out, and all alone. I wish I could say this past week has been nothing but positive but that would be a lie. To be honest, I have been putting off writing a post because I’m not exactly proud of my progress. If I was being filmed in a movie I would def not want it to air. Following my meal plan for 3 days and then continuing to screw around with it for 4 isn’t going to get me much of anywhere. I started off on the right
food foot, however slowly but surely the ED thoughts crept in and made it difficult to stay on track. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely had a huge improvement from the past few weeks, but breaking this ED pattern is extremely hard! It’s crazy how easy it is to fall back into old habits and I can understand why people relapse after going through recovery from an ED (or from any other addictions).
It starts harmlessly enough, just by skipping cheese on a sandwich here, not having an afternoon snack there, skipping side items at meals or exercising just a little bit longer etc. This seems innocent enough, but it slowly becomes more and more dangerous. I’m so accustomed to restricting certain things, eating safe foods and avoiding things that the times I do follow through with my meal plan I feel so uncomfortable it’s almost unbearable. I feel like each time I climb further up the recovery mountain, fear steps in so I roll down a few
yards feet. Why can’t I just let go!?
Luckily I am able to recognize this and see how falling back into old habits makes it even harder to pull myself out of this black hole. I now know that making an excuse to restrict at one meal is not okay for me. Skimping at just one meal makes it all to easy to do it at the next meal which will gradually get me back to where I started. The good thing is, I know that a slip is certainly not a relapse and it’s okay to make mistakes! If I continue to constantly face my ED, it will be easier to overcome. It’s when I just let it control me without a fight that the slip ups occur. I know I can’t hide from my problems; I have to face them.
When it comes down to it I’m realizing God is working on my patience. It’s hard to wait for something you know might never happen, but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want. God is constantly reminding me that I need to lean on, cleave to, rely on, and trust him by giving him control of my life and allowing him to take away my worries. If I’m going to continue to have faith in this process then it includes having faith in His timing. Whether it’s finding a job, reaching my goal of complete recovery, or resolving other issues going on, I trust that He is always with me along the way. I just need to remember that this journey has shaped me for the greater good, and it is precisely what it needs to be. I keep thinking I’ve lost time but I’m coming to terms with the fact that each and every situation I’ve been through has brought me to where I am today and my journey is unfolding just how it should be!
When I start getting impatient I usually take a look at this quote…
and it reminds me that no matter what I’ve been through, God has been good to me (Psalm 103:2-5). There will be difficulties in our lives, but I’m focusing on the fact that God is good. He always has been and always will be. God is with you and He is for you. At church yesterday Pastor David opened with the question, “If your life was a movie, what kind of story would you tell?” Pastor David examined that to live a good story I need to do something hard and something good. God hands us a pen and says, “I want you to tell a good story with your life.” God is not only capable, but willing to see big things happen in my life and I’m understanding that life is about something bigger that only a great God can get behind.
“Extraordinary moves of God begin with dreams of a better story. If God lives in you he can help you live a better story.” God will be with you throughout the good and the bad (Genesis 37-47).
If your life was a movie…what kind of story would you tell?