After screwing with my body for almost 4 years it’s now officially rebelling against me. I’ll call it karma. I’m going to be 100% honest here and let you know this is not easy. Truthfully, recovery is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. My doctor continually reminds me if I can get through this, I can do anything. Can you imagine being constantly uncomfortable with yourself, afraid of losing control and getting hurt, anxious and exhausted from your own thoughts? Yeah, I don’t think I have explained to the fullest how difficult this process is.
I’m tempted at EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. to revisit my old habits. The ED voice in my head is like a salesman trying to repeatedly schmooze and sell me some ‘merchandise’ (being skinny/weighing less) that seems so good I could never pass it up. He has just what I’m looking for and it’s quite appealing to give in. If I give in and use the salesman’s behaviors (by the way, I think some people need to take a look at a list of eating disorder behaviors…aka diet pills, laxatives, diuretics, compulsive eating, binging, purging, over exercising, restricting and so on are all ED behaviors) ED makes me think I’ll feel great! At first, it’s not like he’s asking very much of me so I’ll innocently accept. However, this is where the downward spiral begins. This salesman comes back louder and more demanding each and every time. It gets to a point where I feel like I cannot give it up or else I will experience horrible penalties.
As someone with an eating disorder trusts more and more on their faithful salesman (anorexia, bulimia, etc.) to feel good and cope with feelings, they withdraw from relationships with people. This is why many times someone with an eating disorder isolates, spending as much time alone as possible and loses relationships. When I was at my sickest, my relationship with ED became number one, pushing all other relationships to the wayside. I can only see that now, as I am slowly but surely progressing. I’d like to take this time to tell friends that mean so much to me not to take it personally, it’s the ED that demands 100% attention.
Therefore, this reminds my as to why I WILL NEVER go back. My ED has taken away so much from me and controlled my life for too long. I have so much to give/offer and I’m not going to waste my energy on something so ridiculous. As persuasive as the salesman is, I must say NO. Messing around with my meal plan by cutting corners here and skipping side items there is just fueling the fire for the salesman. What starts as only skipping things here and there quickly turns into ‘YOU DON’T DESERVE TO EAT ANYTHING!’ Climbing Mount Recovery is a once and done deal for me. I refuse to let it go and slip all the way down. Despite how impatient I’m getting with this process, I know that the temporary ease of anxiety and feelings of control is just that, TEMPORARY.
When I met with my dietician yesterday we talked about fear. What am I afraid of? She went on to tell me that F.E.A.R=False Expectations Appearing Real. We also discussed guilt. To be guilty you must do something wrong. So why do I feel guilty when I eat? There is still so much I have to learn and work on and I just wanted to let you all know that it’s not something that goes away overnight. Regardless of gaining weight, the constant temptation and desirable salesman still comes around errrrry day. BUT, I have faith that one day I’ll be able to dropkick ED and knock him out of my life for good (yeah, I’m tough).
To sum up this wordy post, I wanted to let you know I made a deal yesterday while at Hershey with my treatment team and the other girls. I’m not messing around here! This is more than just a goal. 100% effort will be put forth into this deal. So, the salesman can just step to the side this week and we’ll see how this goes. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great day! I find out about the fitness job on Friday. YIKES.
Did you know that diet pills and what not are also considered eating disorder behaviors? I didn’t know that until I went to treatment and heard from others that they were addicted to using diet pills, diuretics etc. Even ally counts.
Do you believe in karma? I’m not Buddhist but I swear my body is rejecting me and despite not eating enough I will still gain weight. Must. Eat. More.
What is your biggest fear?
The Salesman Metaphor is taken from a book written by Tony Paulson, PhD.