Spring Cleaning. Heart Addition.

“You don’t really need someone to complete you, you only need someone to accept you completely.”

I saw this quote yesterday and it was like someone slapped me across the face. Slapped in a good way of course (that is, if someone can slap you in a good way? Wait, don’t answer that…). Throughout the whole recovery process, I’ve been searching to truly figure out who I am. I want to be confident and accept myself as an individual based on what’s deep down on the inside. I think once I peel away all the layers and see what’s inside my heart (and believe it) I can fully move forward and be recovered from my ED.

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Much easier said than done. But, writing this blog has revealed to me it can be done and I’m not alone. For me, spending time with God has given me a whole new perspective into love and what a devoted relationship is.  I recently got a message from a friend with this verse from 1 Samuel 16:7, “The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” She doesn’t know it but I really needed this and it was a perfect reminder of what actually matters.

Monday night I went up to Harrisburg to help with wedding invitations and afterwards we all went out for dinner (my brother, Danielle, Diane and I).  Family + Corona + Beautiful Weather = a great time.

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On my way home, I was talking with Diane about some things. She started asking me questions about accepting myself. Truthfully, I was thinking in my head, “Ummm, no! Woah, wait a sec, yes you do. You have learned to accept some things!” Sure I accept that I am a seriously goofy/weird person that likes to laugh and make people smile, but what is it about myself that I have such a hard time being okay with? I can finally see some of the positive and accept that I am caring, outgoing, loving, weird, passionate, enthusiastic, and determined, but I still can’t come to terms with what I see on the outside.  This goes to show I still have a lot of learning to do. What is it that is making me want to change who I am?

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Brother

I answered her by saying I did accept myself. I made sure to mention the progress I have made in the past 6 months, but honestly, I know I have so much more room to grow. I’m an optimistic person, which is why this blog focuses a lot on the positive, but I need to be straightforward with you and myself and admit that I still have work to do.  What I’m realizing is I need to be able to accept myself for who I am in Christ.

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Sunburned from Monday.

I need to do a serious spring-cleaning in my heart because there are still negative thoughts and attitudes lingering around in there. Our hearts are the deepest part of our beings (pretty important if you ask me) and need to be full of positive thoughts. I need to pay more attention on what is going on in me rather than worrying about what’s going on the outside of me.

This morning I listened to Joyce Meyer and wanted to share what I got from it. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life.”  Joyce says sometimes are arteries are clogged with bad attitudes and negative thought patterns. I’m realizing that I am willing to work hard at recovery but sometimes my feelings get in the way. There is a difference between feelings and being willing. God lives in my heart so my will can then supersede my feelings. Joyce says not to deny emotions, but that’s where God’s strength comes in and helps us control them. We can have emotions, but still not let them control us. Every time I feel like doing the wrong thing and choose to do the right thing, I am growing and God is smiling.

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I need to stop doing what I feel and start choosing to do the right thing when it comes to recovery.  Yes, I may feel like not eating but I know the longer I toy around with my meal plan and tip toe around eating what I need to be eating the longer this process will take. If you want to get better at something you obviously need to practice right? It’s like playing an instrument, a sport, or anything else you want to get better at. The more you practice, the better you’ll get.

So, back to the quote from the beginning. There’s no need to compromise who you are for anyone. Be yourself no matter what and Jesus will always accept you completely. Now that my friends, that is true love.

Do you ever struggle with doing the right thing?

When have you felt like doing the wrong thing and chose to do the right thing?

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4 thoughts on “Spring Cleaning. Heart Addition.

  1. This was a very thought provoking blog today. I loved how you connected the bible verses, Joyce’s thoughts and your own all meshed perfectly together. I’m proud of you chica. I did decide to say I would babysit my cousins instead of trying to hurry up and make some plans that I never really have. Let the good karma and love keep-a-flowingggg !

    Love you! =)

    p.s. I have to pee really bad but I can’t leave the room during PSSA’s. I might have to ask someone to cover my class. eeeek.

  2. Just came across your blog and love it! I love the quote at the beginning of this post and truly believe that. I am in the same boat as you, I accept certain parts of myself but am still fighting others and in order to break free from this illness, I have to accept everything. The things I like and the things I don’t. Like you said, though, practice makes perfect and everyday can be a chance to make a better future…free from ED.

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