I Scream

You Scream. We all scream for ice creams. Yep, I meant to write ice creams. My friend claims that ice creams sounds better than just saying ice cream and surprisingly I agree. Say it once…flows doesn’t it? Yesterday, after we bloked (I decided to combine blog & talked because I feel like I’m talking to you and not just blogging) I went for a walk/run that didn’t feel so great. I wound up not making it very far and called my dad to pick me up. My legs felt like 500 lb bricks. Hey, we all have our bad days right?

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Silly Legs.

Despite my disappointing run I did have fun dinner/movie plans to look forward to! Herrro sushi! This time I hit up a different sushi place and got two DIFFERENT kinds and tried some of my friends (stepping outside of my comfort zone). Bee Tee Dubs (BTW-By the way) I have to show you our fortunes. I think those sneaky Ginmaya workers purposely gave them to us.

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HAH

After, we saw American Reunion! I give it a 6/10. Stiffler cracks me up, but it’s pretty much the same as the others. Once the movie was over we obviously needed some ice creams, but froyo was CLOSED (the horror)! So we mosied on over to Mickey D’s! Good stuff, but not as good as my beloved froyo. The funny thing about ice creams is that even when I was at my sickest, I still wouldn’t give up my dearest ice creams. It’s bizarre, but I swear I could live off of the deliciously sweet heaven in a bowl.

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When I got home I began thinking about how far I’ve come in the recovery process, but also how much further I need to go. I was able to talk about my eating disorder throughout dinner and was still comfortable enough to even try a new-to-me roll. I can honestly say that I would not have been able to do that 6 months ago. However, a challenge that I constantly face every day is food variety and breaking from my routine. Yeah, I may be a little better about eating, but when it comes to changing the things I eat…well, ummmm…the fear is still there.

I still feel like I can only eat certain foods, otherwise I will immediately gain weight.  I always think it’s okay for others to eat said food, but I’m ALWAYS the exception. If I eat it, I will blow up like a balloon (irrational, I know). It sounds stupid and my dietician has reassured me that this is not the case and it’s my ED talking, but it’s hard to believe it! When you have this screaming ED voice in your head telling you NO, NO, NO, don’t eat that, it’s hard to say “Oh, shut up ED, you don’t know what you’re talking about!” I know in my head I am not the exception, but I still struggle breaking from this habit.

At school (during some of my sickest days), I had a routine that provided me comfort. I did whatever I had to do in order to follow this routine that was controlled by my ED. In no way, shape or form would I/could I let this routine be broken. Going with the flow wasn’t in my vocabulary. No wonder I was so anxious and uptight all the time!

I would discuss what I ate and my exercise routine, but throughout recovery I’ve learned that it can be triggering to others who are suffering from this same illness. Whether or not you think you are sensitive to numbers/food/exercise, if I were to say what I did it could potentially cause people to compare and possibly lead someone in the wrong direction. That is the LAST thing I want to do on this blog!

I’m serious when I say if my routine was thrown off just a little bit (aka I couldn’t get in a X amount of exercise or have time to eat one of the only safe foods I had) I would be totally irrational, anxious, and just no fun to be around. Um yeah, what was I thinking!?

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It’s embarrassing to look back on the way I acted and see the way I treated the people closest to me. I would become very stand-offish if I didn’t get that workout in, or was forced to eat something that was totally out of the question in my head. It sounds silly now, but that’s how cray this illness can be! Regardless of it stemming from wanting to be a people pleaser, it definitely wasn’t helping me please anyone. In all honesty, it separated me from friends/family and damaged too many relationships.

What I’d like to start doing is set goals for myself each week. If I focus on one thing at a time, it won’t seem so overwhelming. So, this will be week 1, and feel free to hold me accountable! I am going to work on food variety and step outside of the box! Starting with this morning, rather than having an apple with breakfast, I had an orange. HOLLLLA. (This is seriously kinda embarrassing to write about, but I know I need help and by writing it on the blog it definitely motivates me to do what I need to do!)

Do you have a routine?

What do you do when you have to switch up your routine?

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4 thoughts on “I Scream

  1. As you continue with your recovery, the routine will slowly subside….trust me! I used to be a total maniac about what I ate and when, how much I had, how much I exercised, etc., but the more you practice variety and change, the easier it becomes. I still have an irrational fear of gaining weight when eating unsafe foods, but you never know that you won’t gain weight if you don’t eat them, right? One small thing/goal at a time! And how ’bout that awesome dietician?!?! Keep fighting, girl!

  2. I’m really not a routine person at all. hahaha that’s the biggest lie of my life. I don’t need to explain my routines to you or anyone really because it would be perpetual (that was one of my students’ vocab words they learned today)

    LOVE YOU! You should come over one day this week and we can make the pita pizza for you to try! =)

  3. I am amazed at how much u have changed and how much u have come out if ur comfort zone. Little steps everyday. I am so proud of u and so happy for u.

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