Do you ever question who you are? I’m talking your true self. No one around you (well, maybe just family members/best friends) where you do exactly what you feel regardless of others. Sometimes I wonder if this is who I really am. If I didn’t worry so much about what others thought of me, would I still act the same way? Would I constantly be trying to please others? I don’t know. I should prolly test the waters.
The thing is, I think I would still be my weirdo, bubbly, outgoing self. But would I be able to acknowledge those other feelings? Going through recovery has showed me that I have been taking all of my negative feelings and holding onto them deep inside rather than recognizing them and dealing with them. I have thought for so long I had to put up a front that says I’m always happy and everything is great for this girl! When people started referring to me as ‘champagne’ because ‘you so bubbbbbly gurllll,’ I figured that’s who I was and who I had to be. I became pretty darn good at acting like I was super cheerful, all of the time.
My true emotions had become so far away from the ones that described me. My constantly up-beat positive attitude was my way of just repressing those uncomfortable feelings of not being good enough, worthless, guilty, and secretly afraid. Obviously, those feelings have to come out sometime, somewhere. Ignoring them could lead to many things. Where did they start expressing themselves? Oh, I know, through my eating disorder! I felt like I had no control over my life, over my feelings, and over others’ happiness. I wanted to be able to make anyone and everyone happy, but that is one impossible task to accomplish. What I could control was my food intake, my exercise, and my weight. I never thought it would get so OUT OF CONTROL. What’s funny is that an eating disorder has a lot do with control, however, when you get so deep rooted into this disease, ED begins to take CONTROL of YOU. (I just started singing ‘I want you to take over control…’ by Afrojak. Love that song…anyways, back to the point.)
It becomes a way of dealing and coping with feelings. When I was upset, anxious, scared or nervous, my way of making those feelings go away was not eating, controlling every little morsel that went into my body, or exercising, etc. So much focus was placed on my weight that I didn’t have any time to think about those damaging feelings that were festering inside. It sounds silly, but hey, it worked for me. Or, I thought it did?
Now comes the difficult part. What the heck am I suppose to do now!!!??? You mean, you want me to sit and deal with these feelings!?! YOU CRAY. This is the challenging part of it all…figuring out what I will do in place of my eating disorder. Our emotions matter, and we need to appreciate them so we don’t miss out on important signals about what we need. For me, that’s where God comes in. I can only speak from my experience and for myself, but trusting, relying and cleaving on God has become my way of coping. He is someone who loves me more than I could ever imagine. He is an amazing God who is there for me and reminds me I am not alone.
He reminds me how special and authentic I am. There is no other ME in this world. That’s pretty cool when you think about it. Why be ashamed of who you are? Express your God-given talents. Honor yourself for who you are and take a moment to slow down and listen to your heart. Feelings really do matter. Take the time and express yourself!
In one sentence, how would you define yourself?