Afraid Of Weakness

I’ve decided that since in real life I’m a totally random weirdo this blog will be totally random and weird as well. Meaning, I’m going to write about recovery and describe in detail the struggles I face everyday, but also just random snippets about my life. I’m hoping eventually I can share shweaty workouts and fun recipes, but right now is not the time.

Regarding the title of this post, you might have guessed what I have been struggling with (especially now that my eating disorder is out in the open). One of the main reasons I was afraid to share my story was because I knew I couldn’t hide from this anymore. (SAY WHAT!? No more hiding!?) Now, people can see how I’m doing, what I’m eating, how I’m responding to any situation and judge me (AH!). Yes, I would like recovery to be full of positive progress, but the truth is, it’s NOT. Think of it like climbing up an extremely steep mountain. You can climb a few feet upwards, and accidentally slip and fall 10 feet back down. For every one step forward, I tend to have a few steps back.

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AH! You mean I can't hide anymore!?

What most people don’t realize is that although someone with an ED may look like they’re at a healthy weight, there are still underlying thoughts and struggles constantly going on in their head. The fears are still strong and it’s like WWII is going on in my mind sometimes! For example, “You better not eat that, Val. You already look disgusting and this will just make you unhappier with yourself. Val, you went how long without food before and were still able to workout like a maniac. Now you barely workout so you definitely don’t need to eat. You already gained weight you don’t need to eat any more.” That is just a PEEK into what kinds of thoughts go on in my mind. I’m not ready to share the entire negative self-talk that happens everyday.

What treatment has helped me do is battle those thoughts and see the irrational distortions that my ED is feeding me (haha, well technically NOT feeding me). I refer to my eating disorder as ED for a reason. Ed is like an abusive boyfriend that is constantly telling me what I can and cannot do. He is controlling, manipulative, and just a down right tyrant.

Ed is still with me. All. The. Time. Screaming in my ear what I can and cannot do. The difference is now I am able to punch him in the face and tell him to shut up. However, sometimes I’m still the one being punched. It’s embarrassing to show my weakness. I want people to think I’m 100% healthy. I want you to think I am strong! I hope people don’t think I’m not trying to get better. HMMM…What do all those thoughts have in common? OH, I know, caring about what OTHER people think. Isn’t that what got me here in the first place? Always wanting to please others and worrying about what others think of me. I’m constantly searching for that external approval which I’m learning is something I do not need! What I do need is to find out what GOD wants of me. What does He want me to do? So, I’m happy to share that I am still WEAK. Recovery is HARD. It’s much easier and more comfortable to be weak. I need to start getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. This is why I am so grateful that I have God’s strength with me to help me fight this battle.

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Stronger than ED.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. I mean, hello, no one is perfect! It’s okay to show weakness and I believe sharing your weaknesses demonstrates strength. So don’t be afraid! Fear is perceived, not real, and there is no reason for me to cling to my fears anymore. I’ve identified them and it’s time to take action!

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Because I'm totally random and weird.

What is something you’re afraid of?

Do you think overcoming fear is something anyone can learn?

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5 thoughts on “Afraid Of Weakness

  1. Wanted to ‘drop by’, so to speak, and share some thoughts with you. First of all, your story is heartbreaking, but at the same, it’s inspirational. I was surprised in the beginning to read about the kinds of things you’ve been, and maybe are still, going through. I remember thinking to myself, ‘I wonder what she could have gone through to have turned out struggling with an eating disorder?’. It took me some time, and a bit of self-reflection of my own, to really appreciate and understand the kind of struggle you’ve been going through. Although it isn’t an ED, I’ve had problems of my own with alcohol ,etc..I’m glad to see the kind of motivation you have to beat this. Life is short, and I’m grateful you’re making it through this! God is good!

  2. Pingback: Shake Whatcha Mama Gave Ya « RUNgryVal

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