Regardless of my weight, in my eyes I was always fat, not good enough, worthless, and just plain empty. I hated myself and couldn’t seem to find any positive aspect of my being. Before recovery I was truly miserable, yet I held on to my eating disorder thinking it was the only answer to my happiness. I would constantly compare myself to others and just wanted to be thin/liked. I was comparing myself to images that aren’t attainable. What is perfection anyways!? (NoBody is perfect) I’ve realized that trying to fit into this “perfect” image of what beautiful is will not get me anywhere…except maybe frustrated and more upset with myself.
When I decided to leave TFA (Teach For America) and get treatment at Hershey Medical Center, I was all about recovery. At that point, I had hit rock bottom and never felt so alone, scared, and useless in my entire life. I knew that the only way to free myself from my eating disorder was to seek professional help. When I got back to Pennsylvania, I wanted to gain the weight back and get myself healthy…BUT it is much easier said than done. Not only did I just transition from leaving my job, move from Georgia to Pennsylvania, but I also was going through one of the most emotional times of my life. My ex-boyfriend, who was my best friend & number 1 supporter, and I broke-up. I was devastated to say the least. Now I am able to see what all I had put him through. He was one of the only people who knew I was suffering, and I made him promise never to tell. I was being selfish. (Sorry) BUT, rather than resorting to my ED behaviors and restricting my food intake even more, I prayed to God to give me the strength to push through. My first day in treatment was one of the scariest days of my life. I’ll never forget the fear and anxiety that I experienced before my first meal. I was terrified of gaining weight and figured it would make me even more depressed. However, how would I know if I never tried?
5 months later, I have gained weight. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I am uncomfortable with my body. Yes, I still occasionally think about going back to my old habits. No, I will NOT do that because I am nourished and smart enough to know that it will not get me anywhere. Now I am trying to embrace the changes in my body, and accept that I am going to have a butt and boobs (I am a girl after all!). I’m trying to be thankful for all my body does for me and remember how lucky I am that even after I put it through hell, it ‘s still up and running (literally). It is what it is and I know that if I ever want to get better, I have to keep my eyes and heart set on the bigger picture. Recovery is possible. If you are struggling, please never give up!!
If you read this extremely wordy post, kudos. I tend to go off on tangents! Have a great weekend! 🙂